HOW TO GET FREE - from Domestic Violence

Back in the 70's when I started going through the typical late 20's syndrome that women have of wanting, needing, craving a marriage, babies, the whole deal - I had been out of a relationship for several years. I was very lonely and needy and so HORMONAL! It was the wrong time for me to pick a mate, but I didn't know that!

So, basically, I jumped into a marriage with someone I shouldn't have even dated! All the warning signs were there - heavy alcohol consumption, little or no real comraderie or "togetherness", put downs and arguments that came from nowhere and went nowhere, ignorance of what each other were really like - all this BEFORE we married! But he was so good looking! He was smart enough. He said he needed me and no one had ever said that before. What it turned out he needed, was someone to blame, someone to take out his frustrations against the world on, someone to take care of him. I needed someone who wanted me.

We had our first child. He started drinking more heavily. Then the arguments in the middle of the night started and the heavy secret abuse. I was a silent victim for a long time. My mother's advice to me was "never go to bed angry! Always apologize, even if you are not to blame - its your job to make peace." But many a night I was awakened by an angry, drunken man who would rage on at me for hours, no matter what I said or did. There was no way to "make peace". The acute and complete depression I felt was so overwhelming! And this depression I felt made me even more his victim. The fact that I felt so bad became the starting point of our disputes.

No one would believe me! He was so charming and good to his friends! Always there to lend a helping hand. And when he was drunk in public people thought he was a "good drunk" - funny, silly and harmless. But it always started in the car on the way home with mild, pointless arguments and quickly escalated into real abuse. I made the mistake of responding to his accusations and rudeness. I made the mistake of feeding his anger. By the time I had our child in bed, he would (still drinking) be raging! He could not and would not leave me alone. Then he would pass out as the sun was coming up and never remember anything he'd done or said. And no one else knew this was going on.

So eventually of course the physical abuse on top of the psychological abuse got heavier and it still took me a couple more years to leave that relationship. Why? Why does it typically take women quite a long time to remove themselves from what I call "passionate abuse"? Why can't we see immediately the direction things are taking and just leave it? Or at the very least, why do we not ask for help right away?

• Often the abuser completely convinces the victim that they are "worthless, incapable, and that they belong just where they are - being abused" and that they are the ones to blame for the abuse.
• Sometimes we don't know where to go, who to turn to. In my case, since no one witnessed the abuse and when the bruising started I was very adept at hiding it. When I did ask for help, people I asked thought I was exaggerating the problem and urged me to see a therapist for my problems. I was the one who needed counseling, they suggested. I also bought into this and believed that I was to blame. My husband never was abusive to our children, although they did witness his treatment of me - so that is a kind of abuse. So I felt that it was something wrong about me that made him treat me so terribly!
• Sometimes we think we are the only source of support for the "poor guy" and that we are the only ones who can help him. Now that I see the futility of my efforts to "help" I can see how wrong I was to believe I could change him. But back then I loved him and had been trained to stay his wife "til death do us part" no matter what! This is a BIG reason many women do not leave abusive relationships
• "For the children's sake" we say, when the children still seem to be thriving and they are not being abused. "I'll stay until they are out of school" I used to to tell myself.
• I'm the strong one - this is my cross to bear - I made this bed, now I must lie in it. For all kinds of reasons we truly believe it is best to stay on, suffering the abuse, and unfortunately, many are seriously hurt, even killed by the abusive relationship.
• And for awhile I thought he was interested in someone else and I actually got jealous! That kept me in the relationship for awhile! Oh, how crazy is that! But probably more common than anyone would think.

OK. So finally you go over all your reasons to stay and they don't outweigh the reasons to leave. If you have been smart, from the very beginning of your marriage or long-term relationship you have kept aside a fund of money for a "rainy day". I didn't have an escape fund! My first mistake. But I strongly advise you to begin one, even if your relationship is only mildly unhappy. One should always have financial funds kept aside for oneself even in a great, happy marriage. BEFORE there is any abuse, begin to consider yourself as an independent person who deserves to have everything you need. It is a matter of survival.

I truly believe that if you are in a position of strength: financially, emotionally, socially, and are healthy - you will actually suffer less abuse. Your identity as a "victim" will fade. You will be less "receptive" to abuse. Sometimes the abuser will leave a partner who is not "receptive" to find someone who is, because it is an element of that person's emotional being that needs to have a "victim". When you are not a "victim" there is no opening for abuse. It is not as easy as it seems. You have to address each of those things aggressively to reach that position of strength . It may not be easy while you are there in the relationship to get this strength, but keep trying anyway.

You have to unflinchingly examine your own personality and find your weaknesses and then rigorously make yourself invulnerable! And we are often very attached to the very things that make us vulnerable.

Sometimes the abuser, out of respect for your strength, will actually change. But don't count on that, just change yourself. Please think of your own needs first. It isn't possible to "help" an abuser when you yourself are weak. And believe me, after months and years of abuse you will be in a weakened condition.

When you know you are being abused - remove yourself physically from the abuser. Seek protection. If you have friends and family to go to - do so immediately. In other words, try not to "reason" with yourself or with the abuser. Just know that you are not doing him any favors by remaining there to play the role of his victim.

Go immediately to the organizations that exist to help victims of domestic violence. Now there are better support groups for victims of domestic abuse than there were when I went through this. They will counsel you, provide support, even food and housing if you need it. If you are religious, go to a church pastor or priest for counseling. Find a therapist/counselor who specializes in family therapy. Don't put all your eggs in one basket - get help from every place you can find. Friends, family, church, domestic support groups, community outreach organizations, county aid - everywhere at the same time. DO NOT WAIT FOR ONE SOURCE OF SUPPORT TO COME THROUGH. Approach all the support sources that are open to you as quickly and thoroughly as you can.

Get a restraining order. Your County Financial Aid office can help you do this and will refer you to a family law organization to help. The restraint order will make it possible for you to legally keep the abuser away from you and your children. You need to have this protection. You need to LOSE YOUR FEAR!

Do not make the mistake of thinking that without the financial support of your abuser you cannot "make it" with yourself and your children to support. There are social programs that will help you get on your feet and will even help you get support from the abuser you have left. I believe this is even possible even if you are not legally married. You will not have to go to court right away. The programs that help you will focus first on you and your children and getting your strength back.

Be reassured that the law and society are on your side! This is the one area of law where the burden of prove is mainly on the abuser - not on the victim. But if you have physical injuries document them with photos and any statements from witnesses etc.

It is also so important to stop feeling ashamed! You are not to blame! And with society's enlightened attitudes and understanding of domestic abuse there should be no feeling of shame on the victim. You do not have to put up with anyone who makes you feel otherwise!

So getting free - involves the following:

• Get away! Physically remove yourself and anyone else who is being abused. Go somewhere you will be protected and can feel safe. (ask the local police for help with this if you need to)
• Document with photos and statements the physical and mental abuse while it is still fresh in your mind and on your body.
• Seek help from ALL OF THESE: doctors and hospitals to treat any wounds you have, the law, (go to the police), the county aid people, domestic violence support groups, church, therapist, counselors.
• Get a restraining order right away.
• Confide in your close friends and close family about what doing and why you are doing it. DO NOT KEEP ANY OF THE PROBLEMS SECRET!
• Be good to yourself and do everything you can to regain and keep your strength.
• DO NOT TRY TO "REASON" with the abuser or "UNDERSTAND" them. Just focus on yourself and your children.
• Know that you are doing the right thing, and possibly saving lives by getting free from abuse.