Talk Show Hosts - How To Be A Successful Talk Show Host in 2010

THE FOLLOWING IS A RANT! just warning you - it has no basis in fact or statistical proof for any of the comments made - it's just another rant and if you want to read it anyway - be forewarned! No real research or fact gathering was done and nothing of real substance can be found here, just like on any current US talk show!

Well it’s a new year. The media hasn’t changed much, but who would expect that TV and radio and the print media would change! It’s profitable enough the way it is, I guess. They say they're losing money - probably the newspapers are really hurting - but TV and radio seem to have plenty of advertisers to foot their bills.

I, for one, think we could use some new hosts to talk to us about the world. Wouldn't it be nice to hear some new voices? see some new faces? The old ones have gotten tedious and predictable. Sometimes it sounds like they've memorized their spiels and they really don't have to think at all anymore. Of course, I am not an authority - I don't really know them personally! Still, they do get to do more talking in the living room here than anyone else does! I feel like I've known some of these guys for a long time - what there is to know of them! So here are my observations about this.

Last night out of sound sleep I woke up thinking about the people on Fox news - probably because the man I live with watches it every afternoon and evening until football or a good western comes on. And he is semi-deaf so the sound of these guys blathering on and on is inescapable.

They are shameless, promoting their own books and the t-shirts they sell as well as their own candidates, and all the while claiming to be "unbiased" UNBIASED! Oh golly. I don't want to promote them at all so I am not going to talk about anyone in particular. I am speaking in unashamed generalities here. Anyway! I have come up with some sure fire ways to be a successful talk show host, in case anyone at all is interested. And I sincerely hope your are.

In fact, I would wager it is very profitable to be a successful talk show host in 2010! But how to do it?

• It appears that first you must be white, anglo-saxon, preferably male, and as conservative as you can get. If you can be a far-right Republican conservative radical born-again doomsayer you will have no trouble selling your show. (Radical leftist commie socialists with a Democratic liberal agenda need not apply)
• You must be ready to kowtow to the media moguls who control the airwaves and most of the print media. Be sure to flash your Republican party card whenever the opportunity arises. Let them know that you will be willing to do and say whatever they want and will take a vow to skew the news to the right wherever possible. Make sure the people hiring you know that you will shamelessly undermine the real news to get across your semi-hidden quasi-political agenda. The bottom line is revenue and power and you will help them get more, and more, and more.
• You really only have to have one suit but buy about 50 ties. Then, sometimes when you will have nothing really to say, you can talk about your tie collection! This will also be a great way to divert any real thinking guests who get past the censors somehow and begin to reveal your ignorance. Those ties will come in handy.You should format your show to include mostly celebrities and media pigs who agree with you. Goes without saying.
• Once in awhile you can have someone come on your show who has a differing opinion, but, here's the thing - don't really let them finish a sentence! Be sure to interrupt and talk over anything they have to say. Here's how you do it: Ask them a leading question (about something they probably can't answer or don't want to answer. The very question everyone wants to hear you ask). If they hesitate at all, or try to think a moment, spring the question again in a louder and more condescending tone. Of course, you didn't put this question on your pre-list and they weren't expecting it - that's just good TV and your "style".

Now, very important, when they start to talk, right away, yell at them! If they object, tell them to "stop whining!" You can accuse them of being "a liberal" and say it with disgust! Do this as often as possible. Phrase it like a question: "Now, aren't you really a LIBERAL?" "Wouldn't you say, though, that you are just another LIBERAL???" Make sure your viewers get the impression that the guest who does not agree with you never washes their underwear!

And later be sure to replay this part of the interview over and over while gloating that they couldn't refute your charge of "liberalism" IMPORTANT: you must never actually DEFINE liberalism or any of the other labels you attach to people!

• Along those lines, whenever you get a chance, be sure to let your viewers or listeners know that liberalism and socialists are taking over this country and will be controlling all their lives if they continue in political office. Point out that you predicted terrible things would happen once these socialists got into office and now they ARE HAPPENING AS WE SPEAK!
• When you do get a "liberal" to agree to be on the show, give them the shortest segment possible and ATTACK. It is important that you remember the only one who really does the talking is you, the host! If you allow your guests to do any informative talking, you're sunk!
• If you can, write several (as many as possible) books, which don't have to be very long or have any real substance, about your opinions as if they were fact. Then gleefully promote these books on your show and claim that you're giving the proceeds to "charity". It is perfectly fine to get a ghostwriter if you can barely write a sentence yourself. Don't feel that there is any need to actually quote any real references for any of your assertions or labeling or "statistical analyses". Include pie charts. Pie charts are good.
• The other regulars on you show should be carefully selected out of a pool of ex-congressmen, staff yes-men, pretty beauty show contestants, "experts" on things like body language and health who will parrot your own opinions. A movie actor who used to know Reagan always makes a great "authority" Make it look like they have their own opinions, as much as possible, and have little arguments now and then so the viewers will get to see that you are the alpha, the dominant, the superior! Of course, their opinions are really your opinions carefully re-worded. And your opinions are the opinions of the network owners. This is KEY!
• If there is anything clever at all to be said about anything make sure you are the one to say it! Get some good writers who will make you look good. It is perfectly ok for you to read everything off the prompter, in fact, you will have to do so. But if the President or any other leftist, liberal, socialist reads their speech off a prompter be sure to poke fun at them and put them down for it. Don't forget this! You can do whatever you want, but those leftist, liberal, socialist, commie loving dope smokers are all fair game!
• On a slow news day - When in doubt, if you're having a very slow day and none of your writers can come up with any real zingers - don't despair! just blame a political somebody for something. The more loved and respected that person is, the better! Blame is the foundation of good talk show journalism. (great phrase, that, "talk show journalism" isn't that oxymoronic? or something?)
• Also, another thing you should do often is "report" on the latest sensational story - celebrity infidelity is great! celebrities in recovery from drugs or alcohol is great! kidnappings are just wonderful, the younger the victim, the better! Murders! you get the idea. If you will just report on the same sensational stories day after day for several weeks, people may get the idea that you are doing "in-depth" reporting! In fact, you should use the phrase "in-depth" whenever you want to, whether its true or not. You can just have your writers read People magazine and The Enquirer every week and that'll give you the exact wording to use.
• NEVER APOLOGIZE! An apology is an admission of defeat and you will often say so when the opposition apologizes. So don't apologize! But if someone calls you out and insists that you went too far with anti-feminist, or anti-anti-abortionist, or anti-foreigner labeling and attacks and they won't back down and haven't forgotten about it after a week or so - then just go ahead and say something like "I would like to apologize IF someone was injured by something I said! I did not mean to cause anyone injury." That's as close as you should ever come to an apology! Ever.
• Never retire. Even if you get so you can't remember where the studio is! As long as you can still talk you can have your talk show. The American public gets attached to our media stars and hate to see them go. You are in, don't give it up. Even if you have a rep as abeing a supreme A-hole, people will think you are now a dear, sweet old man - use it! It is best if you can broadcast until you die, but if you have to retire for some reason, make sure you "handpick" your successor.

In conclusion: Thanks for listening today! I just want to reiterate that IF I have injured anyone by anything I have said here, I did not mean to cause anyone any injury!

Good luck! Have a nice day!

P.S. remember, patriotism always sells! Get your set designer to use as much red, white and blue as possible. Stars are nice. Stripes are good. You don't have to be subtle with this. Lay it on thick! If you think you can get away with it, be sure to flash photos of our service men and women occasionally while you are talking about the socialists. Make sure that you imply that the "other side" does NOT appreciate our young service men and women who are saving their country! You should not go more than three days without a story about our brave soldiers.

Your theme music could have a vaguely martial air to it - something catchy that will stay and stay in the listener's head! What you want to do is attach your show to all patriotic subject matter, so that when the listener sees the US flag, or hears the national anthem, they will think of you! Really! Well, at least try!

Fox News.com January 7, 2010: some quotes that may well show up in Fox news talk shows this evening:

"Though moderate Democrats are expected to be extra cautious in supporting their party's agenda this year because of the political peril they face at home, the likelihood that 2010 will be the party's last best shot at passing the reforms President Obama campaigned on could make this year a veritable derby of "change" legislation."

(IMPORTANT: don't define your terms like "moderate", "liberal", "radical" etc.)

"More Americans identified themselves as conservatives in 2009 than any other ideological group -- an uptick largely due to more independents shifting right, according to a new Gallup report"

"The report also said the percentage of Americans calling themselves either conservative or liberal has grown over the last decade, while the percentage of moderates has declined."

(Above: an illustration of one of the rules for good talk-showism - when quoting statistics, don't give exact percentages or the source for your statistics.)

"Young children spanked by their parents may grow up to be happier and more successful than those who have never been hit, a study has found."

"According to the research, children spanked up to the age of 6 were likely as teenagers to perform better at school and were more likely to carry out volunteer work and to want to go to college than their peers who had never been physically disciplined."

(Above is a good example of a semi-sensational story that can be reported and re-reported for several days forming the viewers opinion about the "issue" of corporal punishment)

The headline: OUR PRESIDENT IS NOT PROTECTING US

AP

January 05, 2010Tue, 05 Jan 2010 05:00:00 GMT12:01 AM EST

The president’s job is to use every tool he has to keep America safe. The words we’ve heard from Mr. Obama tell us that this president refuses to confront the seriousness of the dangers we face.

(Make your allegations like the above (attributed to the Associated Press) in the form of a news story, only placed in the "Opinion" section so you protect yourself.)